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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25531888">Remembering</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfinks/pseuds/fanfinks'>fanfinks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RWBY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:40:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,688</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25531888</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfinks/pseuds/fanfinks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Qrow drinks, and reflects - on simpler times, and difficult times, and the nagging, jealous thought he wishes had never crossed his mind.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Qrow Branwen/Summer Rose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Remembering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this sometime around volume 3 and just decided to clean it up - so this is still from the perspective of alcoholic Qrow, bless him</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I don’t remember exactly when it happened. I don’t remember the first time her laugh lingered in my mind, or the first time her voice at the door made my heart twist up in my chest, the first time I closed my eyes at night and found myself picturing her smile, unable to go to sleep. I just remember things being a lot simpler back then.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Funnily enough, memories of her face don’t keep me up much anymore. More often it’s the memories of that time, that simple time when I was in love with her, but couldn’t say it. When I was content to spend every day with her, training and laughing and joking about Tai and my sister behind their backs. Before Raven left, when we were all happy and naïve and optimistic.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Those memories aren’t so bad, all things considered. It’s nice, even, to have a couple of drinks and reminisce on a time when I looked forward to anything. The worst memories come when I start to sober up. Or, have too many.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“It’s your family,” my sister had shouted, before she left.</p><p>“This is our family now,” I remember yelling back, and that was the final straw for Raven. It makes me cringe, remembering that fight - I was thinking of Summer when I said all those things. Maybe she’d still be here if I hadn’t. Maybe they both would.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>I try not to dwell on Tai’s role in all of this. How his sad puppy-dog act had turned her attention from me, even though it was <em> my </em> sister who had left. How he had cried when he brought Yang to us, saying that Raven had come and left her in the night. How he had cowered away from caring for the baby, too heartbroken and too afraid to face Raven’s daughter. How he had let Summer pick up the slack. I hate how much I want to hate him. He’s my closest friend in the world, now. I guess by default.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Meeting with Raven only made things worse. All she wanted to talk about was family business, like I hadn’t already made my choice. It was a shouting match before we even started.</p><p>“How could you leave your real family? Your own daughter?” I demanded of her.</p><p>“I never wanted her, she’s not my daughter,” she had said. “You should be grateful I even brought her to you.”</p><p>I still can’t look at Yang without hearing those words. My niece, the brightest burning star in the universe, born with no mother and a father who couldn’t stand to look at her.</p><p> </p><p>The memories, good and bad, keep me up at night. Or maybe it’s the drinking. I’m starting to think it’s not even worth getting a room in the inns. Might as well keep walking, most nights. Even when I do make it to sleep, I don’t really dream anymore, at least not like I used to. They're always the same, walking that thin, shitty line between memories and nightmares.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>In my dreams, I watch them go away together, again. Summer had invited me to go on a long mission with her, to reconnect, and get away, while Tai took care of the baby for once. But Tai couldn’t be alone with the kid, he begged me not to go, and he was so pathetic, so I let him take my place. This is all just memory - in my dreams, I’m trapped in my own body, trying to speak out, trying to stop them, screaming, she wanted to go with me, <em> not </em>him. But it never works, they always go. And two weeks later, they come back holding hands.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Those times still haunt me. Every night, I’d hear them fighting through the walls, and I’d want to leave - he made her so angry sometimes, and there was nothing I could do. Every time, I told myself that I would leave, that I couldn’t make it another night in that house. But I always stayed, because every day, I’d see them cuddled up on the couch with my niece, and I wanted to join them. My best friends, my family, right in front of me, and the only thing pushing me away from them was my own childish infatuation with her. But it hurt so much, to see the way she smiled at him. Almost as much as seeing the way he smiled back – empty, distant, always thinking about someone else. No wonder he and Raven got along so well. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>After a bad fight, me and Summer went on a mission to the mainland together. She needed to get away for a bit, and I couldn’t say no. I’ve replayed that day in my mind so many times, it barely seems real anymore. Sometimes I’m convinced it’s not. Maybe it’s all the drinking, maybe I’m just tired of remembering.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“He just sees me as a replacement for her,” she said, and I knew it was true. There were tears on her cheeks, and my blood was starting to boil. “I just want to be good enough for him,” she said. And then I couldn’t stop myself, I told her, and in my memory, it’s like the entire world stops. The leaves stop falling, the wind stops blowing, time freezes around us and I watch her mouth drop open but say nothing back. And then I walk away, my own words echoing in my ears. <em> "I love you.” </em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>That night comes together like patchwork in my mind. Just flashes of emotion, snapshots of time that I can never seem to concentrate on. I remember lying on my side, unable to sleep, watching the moon rise over the trees through the dusty cabin window. I remember seeing her glide into my room, hood covering her face. She kissed me, I know it, and her pale skin shone in the moonlight as the cloak fell to the floorboards. I remember the flicker of doubt that passed over her face when I brushed my fingers against her cheek. “We don’t have to do this,” I said, but in my memories my voice is distant, and she ignores me. In my memories, the doubt is gone in an instant, and she wraps herself around me. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>I remember lying awake, the moonlight shining off her white, naked body beside me. I remember the warmth of her lips pressing against my chest. I remember reaching out for her in the darkness, feeling her arms wrap sleepily around me. The images are broken in my mind, hazy and half-forgotten, half-real. But I like to think I couldn’t have dreamt that feeling up.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>One thing does stick out, crystal clear. Half awake, I pull her to me, and kiss her cheek. But my lips come away wet and salty with tears, and I feel her tense up in my arms. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, and her voice is tight and small and full of emotion. She turns away from me, and I can hear her crying, I can see her flinch away when I reach out for her. I wait for her to fall asleep again before I leave.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>I was away for a long time after that. Well, not really away. I missed her, and I missed Yang. I remember perching in the tree outside the kitchen window, watching from a distance while snow fell around me. Yang was starting to toddle around the house, and she had learned how to slip away from her father to get into mischief. Summer was always quick to forgive them both, laughing and smiling and bouncing the kid on her hip. Because Tai had changed too, I could tell. He was more present, more caring, and when he smiled at her, most of the time it was real, not a half-remembered smile for my sister. They were happy in there, warm and cozy and rid of my brooding, unlucky aura that had haunted their home for so long.  I told myself I was happy for them, that this was for the best.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Then I noticed Summer changing. Something in her eyes, something in the way she touched her stomach absentmindedly wherever she went. Soon it was obvious, she was pregnant, and that awful, nagging thought first came to my mind.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Ruby is the spitting image of her mother. Everybody says so. Especially when she started getting into the cloak thing – it still catches me off guard to see her walking around Patch, they’re so alike. But sometimes, I think I can still tell the difference. I think I can remember Summer’s face, and I think Ruby’s is a bit sharper, her hair’s a little darker, a little more wild. I try not to think about it, I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter. But doesn’t she look a little bit like me?</p><p> </p><p>I remember a single bud on the tree, a spot of bright green pushing through the snow on the branches. The first sign of a late spring. I was looking at that bud, right next to where I had been perched for so many months, when she opened the door with shock in her voice. I barely heard her demanding where I had been, if I was hurt. It had been so long, I couldn’t think of what I had wanted to say. It was so nice just to hear her voice, after all this time. But finally, I spoke, stuttering and fumbling like an idiot.</p><p>“How are you?”</p><p>“Okay,” she said cautiously, laying a hand on her bulging stomach. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“You’re pregnant,” I said, a bit too decisively. And suddenly it was harder than I had ever imagined, talking to her. Hearing her talk with that defensive edge in her voice and remembering the sound of her sleeping breath. Watching her cross her arms across her chest and remembering how they felt wrapped tight around me, pulling me closer.</p><p>“Yes,” she said.</p><p>“I just… I had to know.”</p><p>“Know what?”</p><p>It was so hard to concentrate. Why was I here? Why did I even want to know?</p><p>“Is it mine?”</p><p>Her voice was cold when she answered.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter.” Her eyes were hard. “Taiyang will be her father.”</p><p>The door slammed in my face, and that was the last thing she ever said to me.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>After that, everything blurs together. I tried to stay away from Patch, but I wasn’t great at it. Instead, I just started drinking, whenever I wasn’t sitting in that tree by the kitchen window. I remember meeting Tai and little Yang somewhere in Vale for lunch, and I think I made an ass of myself. Even he was embarrassed to be seen with me, but of course I’d had a few too many to remember why.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>When Ruby was born, it got harder. Summer loved her so much. The kid was perfect – always smiling, always laughing, with those big beautiful silver eyes that mirrored her mothers. It was addicting, watching Summer carrying the baby around the house, all hours of the day, just grinning down at that little bundle of joy. But as she got bigger, the thought of watching the kid grow up from a distance started to be too much. Seeing my best friends raise their family without me in it. Seeing how much better her life would be for it. Better not to know her at all than to watch her life from the tree outside the kitchen. So I left.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>When Raven found me, I’d been away from Patch for months. And I’d been drunk for almost as long.<br/>
“Summer’s in trouble,” was all she said. No greeting, no apologies. Typical.<br/>
“Yeah right,” I slurred. “Summer’s never in trouble. And since when do you care about her anyways?”<br/>
“You should go now,” she said, splitting open a portal with her big, spooky sword. “She’s north of Vale.”<br/>
“Hey how’s your daughter doing?” I yelled after her. Angry, I threw my drink at the pulsating energy as it vanished. Glass and ice shattered against the stone floor, and I remember thinking, what a waste of a drink.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>What she said didn’t hit me for another hour or so. I started to wonder why she would make something like that up. Why she would seek me out in the first place. As soon as my drunken mind could piece together the gravity of the situation, I sped off towards Patch. She wasn’t there, and when I told Tai what had happened, he raced out the door towards her mission site. I didn’t think there was anything in the world that could stop Summer. And if there was, I thought Tai could handle it. That he <em> should </em> be the one to handle it. So I sat down with Yang and little baby Ruby. Yang didn't remember me at first, but she came around. She introduced me to Ruby - it was my first time meeting her face to face, and I could tell instantly why Summer loved her so much. I spent the whole weekend with them, telling them all of Ozpin’s favorite fairy tales and playing Yang’s little games. Trying not to think about how long Tai had been gone. It was nice, actually. Until Tai came back, alone.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Mostly at night, I just relive all of these memories, over and over. But sometimes, I have another dream. A real dream - not a memory, I know, but it’s so clear, so vivid. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>I’m flying above Vale, and I can feel the night air ruffling my feathers, I can smell the springtime blossoms in the forest below. It’s like I’m really there, and it’s just as real when I land at the mission site, an old mine in the mountains far north of Beacon. I walk down the twisting catacombs, on edge, holding my breath to peek around every corner. It’s dark down there, and the air is thick, and cold. I’m afraid, and I can hear my own breathing getting quicker and quicker the deeper I go. After an eternity of darkness, I see a flash of white in the distance, and then I see that it’s stained with red. And there she is.</p><p>“Take care of them,” she whispers, fingers grasping at my arm.</p><p>“I’m going to get you out of here,” I lie, grabbing her face between my hands.</p><p>I can see her lips move, but I can’t make out what she says. And then she’s gone. Bleeding out in my arms. And it’s so vivid. I can smell the blood, I can hear every catch in her voice when she tries to speak. Sometimes I think this has to be a memory, it’s too real to be anything else. But I know this never happened, I know she was dead when Tai found her in that mine, that none of us will ever know what killed her, how it happened, what her last words were. And I’ll never know what could have happened if I had been the one to track her down, as soon as Raven found me in that tavern.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>I wish it had never happened. I wish I’d never let her laugh linger in my mind, never let her voice twist me up inside when I heard her calling my name. I wish I’d never loved her. I can’t help but think, everything would be so much better if I hadn’t. I never would have left them if I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have been alone in that mine, I could have been there for her. She could still be alive if I had been there for her. The kids could still have their mother, maybe Tai wouldn’t be so broken,  I wouldn’t be so broken. If I just hadn’t loved her, and hurt her, and left her. I could have saved her.</p><p> </p><p>But I did love her. I always will. And I didn’t save her, nobody did. She's gone, and we're all still here, broken and dysfunctional and alone in our own ways. And all I can do now is drink. Drink, and remember.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
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